I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone

“if only you could see”

I'm just a victim in your scheme.

Jan 29, 2014 || 2:22 AM || comment?

I think I am officially crazy. 2:07 and I'm alone in my room crying. Over a situation that I have created myself and I feel like I can't do anything about it..I have created a situation that is a non-situation. I know I am speaking in codes or rather words that just simply don't make any fucking sense but I know what I'm talking about and really that's the only thing that matters right now because I want to be sad and alone right now. I mean I want to just sit here and cry about it so that I won't be sad anymore, like getting something off my chest. I can pretend there are other people are here but whenever I think of them and who they might be or could be I come up empty. I don't think there is anyone I want to talk to. At least..

The thing that sucks the most about this is I only have myself to hold accountable for. You would think I would act more consciously...

Sometimes I feel like I have no one. I am looking around my room like there might be something in here to make me feel better but there are only stuffed toys and stupid fucking memories. I want to break something. I want to scream really loudly or maybe just drive somewhere that isn't here. I can't do either one of those things though because it's nighttime and people are sleeping and I have no one to scream at- and I don't have a vehicle or valid driver's license. Soon though, whenever I can drive, I would like very much to just drive somewhere very far, probably at night, park and look up at the stars and...what?

Why do I feel like I have no purpose? Why do I feel like no one gives me purpose?

Slowly...piece by piece I am ridding myself of all of the completely unnecessary things in my life. I think that's what I'll do whenever I wake up. I am making breakfast for my roommates just like I made them dinner- and then I will finish this purge I have started.

"this is what you're missing"

Jan 12, 2014 || 9:46 PM || comment?

There is nothing better than typing away at this keyboard. When I'm trying to write anyways. Not that I'd be doing anything else with a keyboard....but what I really mean is, I used to really prefer to write using a pencil. A mechanical pencil. Wooden is alright... but the words can really just spill out from my fingertips. I don't really have the time to stop myself from writing my thoughts because it's so much easier and faster to type than physically write. Less time for the mental filter to block out the words I want to say. Sometimes my words get lost in this digital age...backing out before a saved page, the screen shutting off and the computer restarting, restarting, restarting. In an endless cycle, then I have to unplug the screen from the wall for the rest of the day. Whenever I plug it back in, my ears are met with the mechanical whine of a failing monitor...and soon the cycle will happen again. I'm not really sure how long my monitor will stay on before it shuts off, I just have to make sure to remember to turn my screen off rather than letting my computer go into sleep mode or it won't start back up again, and if it does then it'll black out within a few minutes of waking it up.

School starts tomorrow. I should go to bed "soon", or at least before midnight. Considering it's only 9:36 right now, I'm sure I'll definitely go to sleep before midnight, but sometimes things happen and then I start reading a book I've already read, so I know all the sad things that are going to happen, then I'll end up staying awake until 5AM, crying through most of the book. I cried way more the second time reading it than the first time. It is a painfully sad book. TOMATO GIRL by Jayne Pupek in case you are looking for a good read. Without giving away too much, I will just say it's a coming of age story, at least I think that's what it would be considered..

Sometimes whenever I learn new things..or rather, new things "come to light", I find myself spending way too much time revisiting past thoughts or things or events or wahtever, and with this new light, start to see a new side to things...or perhaps figuring out what makes the clock tick, or what makes the cricket sing, or what makes your brain do the things it does. It things start to make painful amounts of sense...maybe I do dwell too much on the past.

How do I let things go?

my material possessions

my digital bookmarks

my memories

what is the best way to empty out this life and start refreshed? I felt pretty good about putting a lot of unnecessary clothes in those pink bags. They are still in my room though. I need to get them out of here. And then I need to clean my room again. Clothes are scattered on the floor. Stupid trinkets laying out on my computer desk, on my headboard shelf, on my bookshelf, my window nook..

books I probably won't read (sad)

paper I probably won't fold (wasteful)

drinks that are only half drunk (also wasteful)

Here is my plan- I'm off on Wednesday from both jobs, someone please remind me to clean my room.