“if only you could see”

February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 May 2010 June 2010 September 2010 October 2010 January 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 August 2011 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 August 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 May 2015 May 2016 June 2016 July 2016 December 2016 June 2017 July 2017 June 2018 November 2020 December 2020 April 2021 November 2021

It's like this for me, too.

It was bright outside, meaning it was time to escape the sun. A small figure with a hat walked towards the great oak doors, the familiar entrance to the shaded place. With her head tilted forward, great bangs covered her face as she lifted a hand to pull open the door. A beam of sunlight followed her in, and quickly diminished into a small ray as the door swung closed behind her. The floor was covered with the softest carpet imaginable, so she quickly slipped off her shoes. She walked forward slowly, dragging her feet as she moved forward. She enjoyed the tickling feeling between her toes as she did this. She made her way to and up the spiral staircase, moving so quickly and smoothly she seemed to be gliding. Another set of oak doors was at the top of the landing; she leaned in with all her strength to push them open. The circular room before her had a ceiling of glass panels, letting in a flood of sunlight. To her right was a silver cord which she pulled, causing curtains to billow over the panels, and making the light more bearable. In the center of this room was a crate overflowing with stuffed toys. More specifically, bunnies. They were all different colors, but were the softest things to the touch. Their ears were long and floppy, she loved to take the ears and rub them across her cheeks. She ran to the box, and began throwing out bunnies left and right. At the bottom was a white one, with an eye missing. She took this one by the paw, then headed to the back wall. There was a small bed against this wall, with several photographs hanging over it. Most of the photographs were of the young girl, doing various things. On a swing, flying a kite, sitting in a field of flowers. In the center was a picture of a young boy, perhaps her own age, with a fishing pole in his left hand. He was wearing a hat, but barely. It seemed that right after the picture was taken that it probably fell off. In his right hand was the smallest fish the girl had ever seen, and despite this undeniable fact, he smiled as if he'd caught the biggest fish in the pond. For hours she would sit on the bed, bunny in lap, staring at this singular picture. She didn't know the boy, for she found the picture outside one day, floating along in the breeze. There was nothing on the back of the photograph except a date. April first. She often laughed at the fact how happy he seemed to have caught that fish on a day like day. There were times she dreamed of what it would be like to meet the boy, what she would do or say. One day she left a picture of herself in the same place she found his, and when she came back the next day it was gone. Now she spent her time wondering if he had found the picture, and if, just maybe, he decided to keep it on the wall over his own bed, with the same feelings she had from keeping his.

Labels: fiction junction

On my way to driving my brother to school, and not because I'm crazy stalker psycho, I saw the car that I saw my chem teacher in the previous day. It turns out he has a new Toyota sedan, but I don't know which one. After looking at the Toyota site and playing with the different colors, I'd have to say he has something like the '09 camry. Unfortunately others have spotted him in not the same car. ):

http://www.toyota.com/camry/exterior-360.html

Dark blue color, and that's the car I believe he has. Did I mention I'm not a crazy stalker?

How do I feel at this hour? Pretty much the same way I look. What am I wearing? A pair of light, bright blue sliders. A white undershirt, and a blue and white striped button-down. There is only one button fastened, and that's for more personal reasons. My hair is probably in disorder because I didn't bother to look in a mirror. Is it because I don't care or didn't have time? I don't care. I drove barefoot this morning, as I do every morning. Right now I don't care.


With all the light in the world, it was still hard to get a good shot. Even with the tripod, the pictures were awkward. From the high risers, everyone could be seen. With the help of the zoom, pictures were taken and moments were stored in digital time. Where is the time?...What is the time? At glance at the watch said it was ten minutes 'til. In the corridor, people in blue sheets gathered, adjusted, fidgeted. These ten minutes standing and waiting were almost the worst. The band soon began playing and the crowd of 386 cheered. One last final look around and out they marched. The rows of royal blue became lines. High heels clicked and long feet shuffled. Cheering came from all around, from the multitude of people. It would be hard to pinpoint a familiar group. As the seats were filled, they sat and paid little attention. Her brown eyes would look for yours with the camera. She not only found your eyes, but those of two others, smiled and waved. It was hard to not let them be a distraction. To her left and right were only names she recognized. When they finally began the list of graduates, she cheered for those she knew. She could care less about her own fanfare. As she marched with others to the stage, she kept her eyes on the floor before her so it wouldn't slip beneath her. In soon enough time, it was over. She watched in awe at the hats flying rather than sending her own on the trip. It was over.

Just a few words...much less than what I'd usually have to offer. It's only catching up to me now that we're not all together on this day. These lives are going to be full of things to do, and without much to think or say when we're all gone. There won't be time for us now. We're all going to be apart and I feel it now more than ever. Am I going to be able to handle that? Things that once were, won't be. I made a promise to not get upset if we weren't able to go to the same place, but I lied. It's going to be really tough and really...empty. That's how I feel right now. So empty and void of feeling, and I don't really feel like doing much of anything right now. I'm not tired, but I want to go to sleep, because in my dreams I have a constant purpose in those lives of mine. I save people, learn many things, take part in so much. I've never felt like this in my dreams. But then if I did, it wouldn't be a dream, but more like a nightmare.

I bought the new Jason Mraz CD yesterday. The song I've taken a liking to is Lucky, and the first one...I think it's called Make It Mine.

I got my hair cut today but my mom couldn't tell. I can tell. I've got some layers and new bangs that go to my left. I like it. It feels good outside, or rather, felt good when I was out there ten minutes ago. Today was an interesting day besides graduating. My sister and brother got in a fight, met some people for the first time ever and they bought me gifts and paid for everyone's food at Outback. They've been to Holland and have eaten kangaroo. The kindness like that in the world is something I hope I have. The Dutch were very welcoming to them because they were American. They would shake the man's hand with both of theirs and thank them for freeing them from the Germans. Such gratitude.

I'm going to play a dull game of cards multiple times while listening to Seasons by Bis.

Where's there to say? Oh I know, my little project is complete! I'm surprised I actually finished it. I have a couple more that I need to start, and then I'll really be set. I think it looks pretty good. I'm sure others could have done better.

:P

Oh there's all this stuff to do, but really I don't have to do any of it. But I want to. And I bet it's gonna be fun, too.

You've made a bad choice. Now what do you do? Live with the consequences, I suppose. I was actually awake early enough to watch E.R. And stayed up all day too. (:

It's summer again. What does that mean to you? What does it mean to me? To me it means time is going to be running by, and I'll be carefree. Days don't mean a thing unless you count the ones you work. I'm anxious and nervous about the summer. A new life is about to begin. I'm going to college. Isn't that crazy? Not really...most of my friends are destined for a secondary education. What's crazy is just...where the fuck have the past four years gone? If I weren't working, implementing the 28 hour day would be one fun challenge. Speaking of fun, what am I going to do this summer besides work? Go to Nationals for MAO. Uhm....yeah. That's it! Maybe fill in a few days with skating, if my friends don't get bored of that within the first week or so of summer....and then...I guess we'll see how the summer works out.

I guess.

Good morning life. You have awaken me bright and early today. The sunshine warms my hair, and lights up my eyes. It was a harsh awakening, but I was eager to rise.

She's having a hard time typing these things because she really knows all she wants to do is go back to sleep...


"I don't know what I'm going to do when you leave."


Oh I don't really have much to say right now.

Six more days until graduation. I've been told to try on my gown, but I haven't yet. Got lots of thoughts going on in my head, and I'm not sure what to do with them. This laptop likes to randomly decide when it wants to jump from current cursor point to middle of last sentence and it's making me mad as hell. I'm supposed to be getting a new car; maybe I should start looking. Have registered, but not paid, for freshman orientation. Seventy-five right there. I have no idea why the cursor jumps to the middle of the last sentence I just wrote. Oh well. I have to leave for work within the next five minutes, but I really don't feel like it. Might be getting a job at the casino arcade, 8.75$ an hour. Excited about that; guilty for leaving Ms. Kim. Conversations don't work out the way you'd like them to, but that plays into lack of proper communication, even when you're staring them right in the face. Oh well. Also I am not ready for this.

So a cone walks into a bar. A Calculus college kid sees him, and says, "Hey! Can you help me with this problem? I need to find out how fast the water is dripping out of this cone-shaped tank." The cone looks over the problem real quick and says, "This looks like a related rate problem...." "That's right!" The kid said anxiously. The cone shoves the paper at the kid and says, "Hey man, I'm not here to drink and derive!"

LOLOLOLOL. Isn't that amazing? I just made that up! Only the story part. "Drink and derive" is something that's already been said before but I just made a joke out of it! STAND UP CONICS, YOU GUYS.

What do you do when 17 years of what you thought you knew was actually a lie? I was about to write about how things you thought were, actually aren't, so easily like that. But...it actually doesn't make a difference, does it? For those years, I went about my life just as happily as ever. Things ended up this way, and just because you find out one more little thing....changes it only on the mental level, not on the physical level. I suppose things would be a little different if I had found a rose among the weeds, but instead all I found were thorns, and it doesn't really changes those weeds that much.

"And a lot of good that did."

I could say thanks for everything, but it was nothing after all.

He's such a pathetic creature, trying so hard to please the sun, and even though he toils everyday, the sun still burns him just as much.

Can you still smile?

A couple of things: I never I was crazy, or had gone crazy before, but tonight would be a prime example of the first time ever. My brother had a band concert, and I was supposed to pick him up after getting off work. As soon as I step outside of the mall I notice moths. Moths, everywhere. Gathering around the lights, buzzing around to find one, flying through my hair. The little brown bugs were everywhere. It was intriguing and disgusting at the same time. I went home, having forgotten to get my brother. Then, when he calls I tell him I'll be there in a couple of minutes because I'd just gotten off work. So I get on the interstate, then go down a long round and wait....This isn't Barbe. It's F.K. White. Am I crazy? Or is it the moths? The moths everywhere made me feel itchy, made me feel like they were crawling everywhere. Oh well..

I've already mentioned the zero-productivity level of my current being. What should I do about this? Take up a hobby- maybe go rollerblading. The only thing is, I don't want to go by myself. (Well make your boyfriend go.) Now THERE's an idea. I will force he to get a pair of in-lines and we will go skating. But I wonder if he'll get bored of it sooner or later or if I'll get bored of it sooner or later or if it will even happen at all. Oh well..


Do you know him? Probably not. For he's shy as a mouse. He moves quickly to and from each destination. Without so much as a word to anyone passing by. He slips between the crowds into an elevator, glides down the escalator, and vanishes without a trace. But I know him. He isn't a ghost, as some would entertain this thought. Others find him pretension, and maybe full of himself. Because he doesn't speak, he is too good for us. But have you ever stopped to think, maybe some things don't need to be said? Have you ever tried stopping him, forcing a conversation, or some sort of interaction? His svelte figure was not so graceful as he passed by one day, bumping into a stranger, bumping into me. Funny the things you learn in a passing blow. I would learn more from him than from all of the teachers of my primary educational years. Funny the things you learn, if only you would ask.

It was like stepping into a sea of light. The fireflies buzzed around her, creating an aura of light that made her seem almost heavenly. She extended her arm, and they followed suit, changing their positions to keep the silhouette. Could she command them? She put her left foot forward, then her right. They flew forward to keep up with her. As she quickened her pace to normal walking, they buzzed happily beside her. She didn't question their reason for being there- they made her happy. From her pocket she pulled a slip of paper, and the flies hovered around it. Words like directions were scribbled, and she took a couple of minutes to figure out where to head. The flies buzzed around the girl, then flew forward, creating a path. Did they know the way? She continued her walk, and as she passed the fireflies, they flew forward to continue the path.


I'm not sure what this is about, but I do know I'm excited for tomorrow. Why am I excited? I'll get to see people I haven't seen in a little bit (aka a few days ago) but it has felt like forever. Mostly because now that I have nothing to do, it's like....wow. This is incredibly boring. You have no idea how boring it is. You have no idea how bad I need a better paying job. XD

Labels: fiction junction

What would you do....with ultimate energy? How would you carry yourself, act around others? And not just others, people you know, personally; relatives, friends, relationships. But let's call ultimate energy, ultimate power. The ability to do ANYTHING. Would you be consumed by that power? Or do you think that it only happens to certain people, who never had power before, and don't know how to use it. Then maybe, should it even be used at all? Maybe only children would know how to use that kind of power because they aren't consumed by all the things an adult knows. Then again, maybe not.


It was a healthy one. You could tell by the umbilical cord. There were three prongs at the end. Unlike a premature birth, where there would have only been two. A healthy birth indeed.

It was the month of May. Around this time, she'd been seeing quite a few pregnant women. She served three of them just yesterday. Their stomachs bulged with the promise of life cultivating inside. They no longer walked in fluid motions, but rather wobbled side to side. It was a new experience for them. They were scary thought for her.


If presented with a situation where you could choose A or B, which would you choose? Choosing A meant despite what others had to say, this was your experience for yourself- you'd never done anything like this before, and you felt it couldn't hurt to try. You're old enough to make your own decisions now. If you chose B, you heeded the advice of someone you may have talked to, but you would be forfeiting your ability to choose- or would you? Do you think that someone can truly have power over another person? Someone made you angry, but really it was you who decided whether or not you'd let something affect you. You might say something about simple choices, whether or not you want to eat at one place or another. And the other one chooses. Well if you like that place, of course you'll agree. And it'll seem like you let them choose. But if you didn't want that place, maybe you'd have mumbled and they'd go on to offer someplace else.

It's the end of the year, and I haven't realized it yet. There are obvious signs like not being in school anymore, but I haven't really grasped the fact that I'm going to dive into a new city. Not on my own, but it's still an experience that may or may not be gratifying. There are more people than those in your comfort radius. Which makes me excited and terribly frightened. It doesn't seem like a big deal because I'm still going to be in a classroom setting, learning something. It's going to be nice not having seven classes in one day though. Will I be able to make new friends, or will I be clinging too hard? It's rough to admit I won't see everyone like we can now. And soon it's going to cost too much for even weekend getaways. I bought a pair of rollerblades yesterday. I'm pretty excited about them. I will have several opportunities to use them this summer, and even next year at school. Maybe people will know me as the girl on wheels. That's kind of a dumb name, they'll probably say something nicer or a lot more mean. Or maybe they won't care.

PLP is actually a pretty nice place. It used to be a simple building and then a kind of dock. But now it's social events galore. They have a fountain area, then three contained foutains that little kids can swim in like a pool. There's also a nice walkway and plenty of sidewalk to skate...and it's closer than the boardwalk...I think? I should probably count the miles next time.

I'm going to be doing the Honors Program at ULL. I'm excited- hopefully it will help out with financial needs and other things to prepare for grad school. Grad school where, though? Hopefully by that time I will have better prepared myself. It'll be like senior year in high school again. I better not repeat the same mistakes I've made this time around. Grad school in state, out of state? I wouldn't mind out of state, but my pocket (the pockets of others) might mind. And then....what kind of career could I get with my major? First it's computer science. With a concentration in getting a major in Cognitive Studies/Neuroscience.

So, I'm actually going to Nationals for Math Club! I have some pretty amazing friends. Unexpected contributions, but thankful nonetheless. How will I repay them? And not just in the monetary sense. I'm going to be taking a LOT more pictures than I did last year in Tampa. I wish everyone was able to go....I'm upset that one of my friends can't.

So people take senior trips all the time- but besides National Convention, where would I go? There are a few awesome restaurants and hotels that I'd really like to visit.

Also I feel lazier than ever.

"Are you sure that's the right way?" I honestly don't know how to read maps. The best I can do for you is fold them up, and toss them into the glove compartment. The lines for interstates blended with streets. I looked for block H-8 while he drove, and it wouldn't have made any difference if I turned the map upside down. This array of lines seemed right. "I think you make left at this next light..." I looked up to find we were stopped by a train passing through. "You mean /this/ light?" He asked me with a look of anger in his eyes. He tore the map from my hands and I resumed my usual position: hands folded in my lap, and holding my tongue. Once he had a second to scan the map, and the last of the train passed, we were able to make it to our destination.


It was like a figment of my imagination. My forehead was pressed against the window, watching the scenery as it rolled by. In the darkness I had a hard time telling the shadows of the figures, but it was all the same anyways. As we drove on, I noticed a faint glow from the corner of my eye, and on my side of the road was the only lamppost for miles. It was the first time my eyes could absorb additional light and I had to shut them for a second for the harshness. As we whipped past, I could distinguish a vague figure, holding a briefcase and wearing a hat. I turned in my seat to watch as he shrank into a little dot encased a halo of light. Who was he waiting for? It seemed like an odd place for a bus stop, but I wasn't from around here and probably wouldn't know any better. I wondered what could be in that briefcase of his. Important documents? Money? Or maybe pictures of his life because it passed too quickly he'd never be able to keep up. A few polaroids to capture the spontaneous moments, and a few to instill a memory forever. Maybe I'll keep a briefcase like that.


I slowly opened my eyes to find the front end of the car almost to my eyes, and felt a dull pain in my right temple. I wondered why we were in a ditch. To my left, he was already gone, and for a second I thought maybe he'd gone through the windshield, but it was still intact. As I turned around I noticed he'd already climbed out and was on his phone. He seemed to be fine, but he always hid his true self from me. Not that I was worried about him, he always made it alright. I undid my seat belt and climbed out from the car, and the ditch to join his side. He ignored my presence at first, then finally said, "Help's on the way." I simply nodded, then sat down on the side of the road. No one ever came out here, so I wasn't worried about the traffic not seeing me. I was sure that any help coming might take a while, so I decided to work on remembering what happened last. I could vaguely remember looking away from my window post to notice a rare traffic light intersection. He was slowing down, so I think it was a red light. But if we had stopped, we wouldn't be here. So the light must have turned green. From the left came a dark turquoise truck racing towards us, and seeing as we slowed down, I'm sure the truck must have slammed into our small car. We went from moving forward to spinning and a grabbed a hold of the dash, my knuckles white from the pressure of my grip. As we landed in the ditch, I must have hit my head from the sudden stop from motion. I wondered about any injuries he sustained from the initial collision. And I noticed that the turquoise truck was nowheres in sight. A hit and run? Not surprising because we /were/ in the middle of nowhere. In the distance I picked up the faint sound of a siren. Surely not a warning for traffic but a relief signal for us. I looked up to see his hand in front of me, and I gladly took it. He helped me up and pulled me into a hug, something I wasn't expecting but I was really glad for. He held me like this until the ambulance and police arrived, and I knew that everything would be alright.

Labels: fiction junction

The clock hanging on the wall counted every second out loud. It didn't matter that more than ten pencils were scribbling furiously on sheets of white paper. The ticks were still just as loud. In that cold library room, eyes would wander as brains could no longer function efficiently. Fingers would tap discordant beats as their minds struggled to make sense of the numbers laid out before them. The sporadic coughing filled the gaps of silence; those human bodies unable to handle the stillness of the air. The light tapping of calculator keys found an approximate answer and a bubble would be filled accordingly.

This is how test time proceeds.

Labels: fiction junction

It was Monday, and like any other day, she heard that finally trumpeting sound of her alarm. Seven a.m. Time to get up. "Bring me a towel, will ya?" It was then she realized: When did they go to sleep? When had the light been turned off, and who moved her glasses to the vanity? All of these questions unanswered. And the worst one of all.

Were the clothes put into the dryer? A simple answer: no.

It was the easier decision to decide not to go to school, and sleep until 12:34 a.m. A time that's more likeable, and means: your school days half way over anyways and your clothes still aren't dried!

Maybe I'll see everyone tomorrow. In dry clothes.