I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone

“if only you could see”

Living high on yesterday's lies...

Mar 28, 2008 || 7:12 PM || comment?

Sometimes I like to drive around by myself. And when I do this, I imagine your kind figure sitting in the seat next to mine. Your fingers are tapping on the dash, and your eyes are never on mine because I have to keep mine on the road. You're watching the scenery flash by in blurs of animals and trees and sky. You'll tell me some story, or some piece of information that's new and exciting to me. And my ears are filled with the lull of your voice. I like to roll down the window because the rushing wind is more satisfying than the AC. And I'll inhale at some particular moment and the air is filled with your familiar scent. It makes me sigh softly while my mind explodes with memories of you. Whether it was walking in the field, the grass tickling the bottoms of our feet, and my fingers reached blindly for yours. Or maybe when your tired mind longed for a place to rest in my lap, and without a second thought my fingers began their course through your hair. I'm brought back to reality by the red light at the intersection closest to my house. I roll up my window, and turn on the radio to drown out my pleading thoughts. I turn the key in my ignition and sit in the lifeless car just a minute longer, to indulge on lasting thoughts of you.
_________________________

This week of spring break has felt like a week out of a never ending summer. (Most of) my responsibilities were abandoned, save for finishing The Poisonwood Bible, which, if anyone has any free time, I recommend reading the book. Working on a scrapbook that's screaming to be finished. One good thing besides getting some time to hang out with friends is going to a concert in Biloxi (: One bad thing is not having a camera to take pictures and remember it by. Hm. Well one thing's for sure: I need to finish a problem set.

Labels: fiction junction

Hey Love, where ya goin' to?

Mar 23, 2008 || 11:37 AM || comment?

Have you ever waken up some time in the middle of the night and felt greatly disoriented? Like, maybe you don't even remember you went to sleep, so that when you're in the process of waking up you wonder, how the hell did I get here? Or maybe you forgot how you were laying down, and you're pretty sure you're in an awkward position? That's how I was feeling sometime last night, I'd woken up because I must have been sleeping funny, my arm was on fire from being in some strange position. But that wasn't my problem. I was trying to figure out what in the world I'd be laying down, instead of longways with the bed, but across the width of it. The room was dark, and I was against the wall, and I was /sure/ I was sleeping the wrong (or, not usual) way. I'm not sure why I felt that way, and even though I wasn't really sleeping like that, it just REALLY seemed like it. Maybe I was also confused by the fact that I had some really strange dreams, but I don't know.

It's also Easter...happy Easter everyone (:

We found peace in the shadows.

Mar 20, 2008 || 10:46 PM || comment?

Have you ever felt true fear? Or something like paranoia? A while back, and this is a little silly to talk about, but I drank this energy drink. And sure that's no big deal, but I've never personally felt like running a mile after drinking one. So I'm just drinking one like its no big deal, but I'm not just drinking one. I'm drinking one /right/ before going to bed. And I probably got like thirty minutes of sleep that night. I was restless throughout the night, not being able to do anything but lay on my back, staring at my ceiling, my ears perceiving any sound more acute than they ever had. In that utter darkness, I could roll in bed, but there were other people to consider. I'm not afraid of the dark in say a room, but night time is just scary to think about. Not night time even, but say maybe that window across your room where its just see through enough that any stray tree branch waving seems like someone walking in the background, this someone no doubt being someone hoping to harm you or anyone you care for. And each small sound throughout the house, in your room, is foreign and magnified a thousand times. The smallest shift of unbalanced paraphernalia startles you. It was a strange state of mind. The strangest, really.

I like to keep a diary, because I always enjoy going back and reading whatever I've written in it. The only thing I don't like is not remembering why I wrote those things..

The Trees were Bleeding.

Mar 9, 2008 || 5:34 PM || comment?

Yesterday was a pretty much good day, finally having a math tournament to go to in a long while, and then in just a little more time we have math state, which is the first week of April, which is...three weeks from now. Soon, but not soon enough in my opinion.

I'm president of math club, girlfriend of two years, best friend of five, and all too curious. I found a book yesterday while at the LSU competition that pretty much answers the question: How do we make decisions? How are our brains different from a computer, we can compute all the same, and this one thing is it: our decisions are made because we have the capability to care about what happens when I do this instead of that. Your computer crashes as a response of too much head-desking. Computer's dead and you're left thinking..."What the fuck." Every living thing has one main state of mind, and that's survival. What makes us different from every other living thing is we can deny that instinct. If we wanted to, we could take our own lives.

I'm pretty much dead right now because I'm so tired, and even though I slept twelve hours, I'm pretty sure I could sleep twelve more. I have a calculus project due wednesday that I need to buy supplies for, and I hope it turns out to be pretty much okay. I spent two plus hours in the freezing cold for a video game (it's pretty sweet).

And now I have to go grocery shopping.

The Monocle (there's water in your eyes.)

Mar 5, 2008 || 7:49 PM || comment?

The midday sun shone brightly as a young boy wondered aimlessly through a busy intersection, or maybe a park. He liked to watch as the magnificent blurs of color passed by. Some were tall, and thin, and others were much like blobs. He smiled at them, and wished to speak with them. But they wouldn't acknowledge him, and he wondered why. Were they ghosts that he alone could walk among? Their fuzzy edges faded as they moved further and further away from him. Why wouldn't they talk to him? He followed one made of a dull gray color, until gravity took hold of him, with the aid of the root that intruded his path. Even this attracted not one of their attentions. He blinked several times to fight back the tears. In this even more blurred vision, he saw inches in front of him a rounded piece of glass attached to a rusted chain. He took the chain in his small hand, then sat up. He squinted his eyes as he watched with great curiosity as it would swing slowly back and forth. In the path of the glass, he noticed each blade of grass had its own shape. Then he looked away into the green blur he was familiar with. He brought the glass end up to his right eye, and closed his left. The blurs became defined shapes through the lens, and no longer the wondrous mixture of color. He stood and turned about, noticing facial features, textures, colors, intricate detail. And he watched as everyone moved around him, without as much a glance at him. Holding the glass to his eye, he ran in front of a person jogging, and he stood there, with the resolve of finally talking to someone. The man drew nearer with no intentions of slowing down. The little boy shut his eyes tightly as he waited for impact.

Two times she read this, and could hardly set the page down in disbelief.

"Such detail...I could never remember my dreams this vividly."

"I know," the Director said with a smile. "It's no easy task either. What I'm most excited about is that it only took one day to produce a good result."

"You're too good at your job," she said, handing him back the report.

"But even in his dreams, he was unable to interact with anyone. How did your walk go the other day?"

She sighed, and looked away. "That good, hm?" He smiled again.

"You expected it to go badly?"

"Of course. Now, I'm not sure what exactly happened, maybe you could enlighten me?"

She stood and walked away from her seat, to stare out the glass door. "Everything was fine until I said something stupid. It's difficult to think of him as someone like us, but he's more like you or me than I expected. I've just been following him around lately in silence. Mostly because I don't know what to say to apologize for it." She looked back at the Director, who now stood from his seat.

"Why not just saying 'I'm sorry?' I'm positive he'll forgive you. After all, you're only human." The Director winked as he left the room.

Labels: fiction junction

Open to other options?

Mar 3, 2008 || 10:48 PM || comment?

So for most people, continuing education after high school means going to college. I've always known I'd go to college after high school, and I never once thought that I'd join the army or any other branch of the military. But I talked for maybe fifteen minutes on the phone with a Marine person about college and military. I asked her about being a nurse specifically for injured soldiers. Unfortunately, the Marines don't have any medical fields, or something like that....and I also don't know if I want to be a nurse, but it's something I have to consider. Nurses are needed everywhere and, so there would be something. I'd still go to college, at the same time as doing this. I suppose it could also get me money or something. All of this is really, I mean really, hazy, but it's just a little bit of update on what's going down over here. Nothing exciting is really happening over here, so I guess I don't have much to talk about. I might have ideas about things, but I'm too self-conscious to talk about the random things I think about in the middle of class one day, or while I'm walking to class.

Also, the way I'm typing right now is giving my right hand some awkward cramps, which is no good, so I'm trying to figure that out too.

Neuroscience? Psychology? Nursing? I'm so picky about what I want to do, I wish I could invent my own thing, and it actually be worth something, like, "Why yes, we're high in demand for Neuro-cho-ursing majors!" But I don't think I want to combine those three, specifically. I was just being silly.

In other news: I'm really sleepy.